In December of 2013, I gave birth to my second child. Bouncing back was not so easy the 2nd time around. I was tired no matter how long I slept. I was depressed from family drama, which I don’t have time to tell you about. And the kicker, I was diagnosed with MAS, multiple autoimmune disease. What is that? I didn’t know either. Apparently, when you have 3 or more autoimmune issues at once, they just say MAS to shorten it. My “dream” concoction of issues was Psoriasis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), and anemia. Good times. However, as I always do, I found a combination of healthy regimes that minimized most of my issues, learned that the hormonal imbalance of childbirth was a big trigger for my flare-up; and my MAS diagnosis became just another thing I had to perfect, and I nailed it as best one can for next 5 years.
The last 5 years weren’t without challenges or stress. It had a slew of changes professionally, but most were positive. This was when I truly became an overthinker…overthinking all my usual choices in the name of good health. I kept up my volunteering to remain connected to positive progression. Then, 2016 changed everything.
In 2016, my family fell apart. My step-mom, my dad, my aunt, my grandpa…all passed away. My brother was injured in Afghanistan. The icing on the cake: my godfather’s cancer was growing again. As much as I tried to exert my perfectionist nature to this situation, there was nothing I could control. I had to just manage, endure, and succumb to reality. Life sucked. Now, we got through it, but not without major havoc on our mental and physical health.
By November 2017, my MAS diagnosis was back. This time it was environmental triggers that sent me into a flare-up. I had pain in every muscle in my body. I had headaches and sensitivity to light again. My anxiety and depression were unreal. I truly didn’t know what to do. Not to mention, I was now working a steady corporate job with my dream title that was draining my soul daily with high demands and egomaniacs. Sure enough, by March 2018, I was ashes yet again.
What was happening here? One night in a serious state of depression, I started to wonder why I even try at anything. I began to doubt my purpose, my ethics, my entire existence. It was scary and I couldn’t pull myself out of it which was even scarier. I felt like I had just poofed out when I was at the top of my game. I had been so focused, so driven, so fierce…how could I now be so weak and hopeless?
That night, I prayed harder to whoever was listening in that big sky than I ever did before. I prayed for strength, peace, and hope. I prayed for fire in my soul. I wanted anything to escape this cold place I was stuck in. Do I believe in prayer? Yes. Do I believe in “god”? You can call faith any name you like, but yes…I believe. I believe something bigger than me fills me back up when I ask for it. Doors don’t open and all turns to green meadows, but in my soul…a light is turned on. The more I believe in it, the more the light grows. Every time I have ever burnt out, I pray and the light is relit. Call it what you will, but it’s all I know.
Fast forward to July 2018. I’m gluten-free, avoid the sun, take tons of vitamins, run daily, yoga twice a week. I quit my corporate job. I took a part-time job with a custom design & build construction company to pay the bills. Lastly, I only work in Hollywood if it’s a project I believe in. (Like The Daily Feels and this amazing horror film I am working on as a freelancer !!!)
Which leads me to one last change I need to make…my name on The Daily Feels. Being the Overthinking Activist feels like I am accepting a part of myself that isn’t healthy for me. Honestly, I hate overthinking. And I’ve volunteered so much I have run myself physically into the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I love giving and being a perfectionist…it’s the loving nature and selfless effort given to others combined with the faith that something bigger than me will always live in my heart and relight my fire when I burn out that’s caused my heart to grow, my light to shine, my everything to be heightened.
Ten years in LA and I have checked off all my “must haves” in Hollywood by 35. Now, I’m at a new crossroad and I am not thinking about the what if’s. I am just gonna grow again, spread my wings, and leap off another cliff like a true Phoenix does, every time. Regroup, renew, resonant. That’s the key, Daily Feelers.