The Phoenix Rises

In December of 2013, I gave birth to my second child. Bouncing back was not so easy the 2nd time around. I was tired no matter how long I slept. I was depressed from family drama, which I don’t have time to tell you about. And the kicker, I was diagnosed with MAS, multiple autoimmune disease. What is that? I didn’t know either. Apparently, when you have 3 or more autoimmune issues at once, they just say MAS to shorten it. My “dream” concoction of issues was Psoriasis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), and anemia. Good times. However, as I always do, I found a combination of healthy regimes that minimized most of my issues, learned that the hormonal imbalance of childbirth was a big trigger for my flare-up; and my MAS diagnosis became just another thing I had to perfect, and I nailed it as best one can for next 5 years.

The last 5 years weren’t without challenges or stress. It had a slew of changes professionally, but most were positive. This was when I truly became an overthinker…overthinking all my usual choices in the name of good health. I kept up my volunteering to remain connected to positive progression. Then, 2016 changed everything.

In 2016, my family fell apart. My step-mom, my dad, my aunt, my grandpa…all passed away. My brother was injured in Afghanistan. The icing on the cake: my godfather’s cancer was growing again. As much as I tried to exert my perfectionist nature to this situation, there was nothing I could control. I had to just manage, endure, and succumb to reality. Life sucked. Now, we got through it, but not without major havoc on our mental and physical health.

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By November 2017, my MAS diagnosis was back. This time it was environmental triggers that sent me into a flare-up. I had pain in every muscle in my body. I had headaches and sensitivity to light again. My anxiety and depression were unreal. I truly didn’t know what to do. Not to mention, I was now working a steady corporate job with my dream title that was draining my soul daily with high demands and egomaniacs. Sure enough, by March 2018, I was ashes yet again.

What was happening here? One night in a serious state of depression, I started to wonder why I even try at anything. I began to doubt my purpose, my ethics, my entire existence. It was scary and I couldn’t pull myself out of it which was even scarier. I felt like I had just poofed out when I was at the top of my game. I had been so focused, so driven, so fierce…how could I now be so weak and hopeless?

That night, I prayed harder to whoever was listening in that big sky than I ever did before. I prayed for strength, peace, and hope. I prayed for fire in my soul. I wanted anything to escape this cold place I was stuck in. Do I believe in prayer? Yes. Do I believe in “god”? You can call faith any name you like, but yes…I believe. I believe something bigger than me fills me back up when I ask for it. Doors don’t open and all turns to green meadows, but in my soul…a light is turned on. The more I believe in it, the more the light grows. Every time I have ever burnt out, I pray and the light is relit. Call it what you will, but it’s all I know.

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Fast forward to July 2018. I’m gluten-free, avoid the sun, take tons of vitamins, run daily, yoga twice a week. I quit my corporate job. I took a part-time job with a custom design & build construction company to pay the bills. Lastly, I only work in Hollywood if it’s a project I believe in. (Like The Daily Feels and this amazing horror film I am working on as a freelancer !!!)

Which leads me to one last change I need to make…my name on The Daily Feels. Being the Overthinking Activist feels like I am accepting a part of myself that isn’t healthy for me. Honestly, I hate overthinking. And I’ve volunteered so much I have run myself physically into the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I love giving and being a perfectionist…it’s the loving nature and selfless effort given to others combined with the faith that something bigger than me will always live in my heart and relight my fire when I burn out that’s caused my heart to grow, my light to shine, my everything to be heightened.

Ten years in LA and I have checked off all my “must haves” in Hollywood by 35. Now, I’m at a new crossroad and I am not thinking about the what if’s. I am just gonna grow again, spread my wings, and leap off another cliff like a true Phoenix does, every time. Regroup, renew, resonant. That’s the key, Daily Feelers. ✌

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One thought on “The Phoenix Rises

  1. Thank you for sharing ! Actually brought me to tears because I am at a crossroad and also tend to be the type a person. Gave me some food for thought ! You went through so much in a year – you ARE the Phoenix rising

    Liked by 1 person

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