BY: Dee-Dee Kanhai – “The Spice of Suburbia”
S.E.X., sex.
We have been learning about sex since grade school, where we would be carefully guided through “Sex Ed” by our Gym Teacher who’d rather get a line drive to the face than say “intercourse” to a bunch of pre-teens.
I grew up in a home where my parents were affectionate, at times more than I could stomach. Watching them hug was enough affection for me, never mind the awkwardness of seeing them kiss. However, I am sure from an outsider’s perspective, they were just a young couple in love.
There was the dreaded, ONE SINGLE TIME… I walked into their bedroom without knocking… The story goes like this: every Sunday morning my mother cooked a breakfast fit for a king at 8am SHARP! On this particular Sunday, I was perplexed by her RUDE tardiness! So, I went straight up those stairs, walked into their bedroom and got exactly what I deserved for being a BRAT. A full on visual of my parents… let’s just say… doing the “unspeakable”!
I slipped out as fast as I went in. I was silent and horrified.
Then, as any normal little sister would, I turned to my much (15 months) older sister Tracey, and said, “Mom and Dad want to see you, now!” As she got up, I pulled the covers over my head. I held my breath until I heard a blood-curdling scream. I knew I was not in this nightmare alone anymore. For the record, we both lost our appetite and she is yet to forgive me.
I have determined (without any scientific study, of course) there are three “types” of people when it comes to SEX, stick with me here.
- The Private Ones. These people believe that the subject of SEX and SEXUALITY should be kept behind closed doors. Sex should never be discussed openly or freely with ANYONE. SEX is between two partners and what happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom types.
- The OBNOXIOUS Ones. Everyone knows them, the people who can make sexual innuendos about wallpaper. They come in all shapes and sizes, male and female, elderly or college kids, it doesn’t matter. Typically they do NOT care if they are making anyone uncomfortable with their “jokes”. They’ll reference sex as often as possible, and as loud as possible, to whoever will listen! (My assumption: these people have the worst sex life of all)
- EVERYONE ELSE. Then there are people in the middle. Mature humans who can have a colorful conversation about sex in appropriate settings, at a reasonable volume without making others uncomfortable. They are open enough to get their point across without crossing lines, making others cringe or feel weird. They talk about sex in a way that reminds us it is natural and a part of most adult lives.
First, let me say, to each their own.
But, I always thought I was a SOLID #3 (according to my unscientific study). For instance, I am cool with sex. Actually, I have been a fan of it for decades! I practice it on the regular. I am open to conversations about sex! As a parent, I talk about it to encourage safe and healthy sex when appropriate.
At a little party last year, a friend made a joke at my expense. “Dee-Dee’s husband hasn’t gotten some since Chloe was conceived”. Mind you, he literally had just “gotten some” hours before, so when I corrected my friend, I was stopped mid-sentence “Ewww, it’s like listening to my parents talk about doing it! PLEASE STOP!”, so I stopped.
It occurred to me, these were my peers! What was it about me that gave them this impression?
Even worse, I immediately thought, if I wasn’t “sexy” to others, would that make my husband less attracted to me? Things seemed great, but maybe I completely lost my “SEX APPEAL”, and I was missing the cues.
These interactions make me think, I am not a #3, I’m a #1.
I was obsessed with it at home. I began asking my husband questions and nothing he said or did (and he tried) could remove this thought from my head.
I summed it up like this. My meditation practicing, beaded jewelry making, vegetarian dinner eating, farm animal loving, Chihuahua in a sweater walking, sunshine and rainbows Dee-Dee was a TOTAL turn off to men… AND EVEN WORSE… TO WOMEN! (Admit it, ladies, it’s lovely to get compliments from other females.)
Am I…. Dare I say it? UNSEXY!
Listen, I know my daughter believes she is here from Immaculate Conception, which is fine, I don’t need her to think mom’s a VIXEN. But, everyone else, I assure you I am not asexual. (Again, no judgment!)
Maybe it was because I was turning 39 when this whole realization came over me, but I wasn’t going to settle for it, I am The Spice of Suburbia, DAMMNIT!
SO I BEGAN MY QUEST FOR ANSWERS! (And I dug deep Y’all)
First, there were quite a few conversations about this in therapy. I was seeing an amazing therapist at the time, we reached some major conclusions on the subject – mostly “this was in my head”. Groundbreaking shit.
Of course, I also began reading, SO MUCH READING I ended up down a rabbit hole, and when you are researching sexuality that is a deep – dark hole…
And then, as with everything else in life, the Universe delivered.
Her name, Kundalini.
Oh, the sweet practice of Kundalini Yoga.
As a yogi, I was shocked when this practice was brought to me. I had heard the word Kundalini – but never really knew the meaning or benefits. Kundalini Yoga works on your “primal energy” and it focuses on the base of your spine, that deep and sacred root chakra. Think just below your belly button, your hips, your pelvis, and your lower back. Then it combines a deep meditation with a tantric breathing exercise.
I fell in love with the BLISS that came from a true, kind, deep kundalini practice. I practiced in a group setting first, then one on one with an instructor who I met at a drop-in class. I explained I was seeking more, so she kept me there and worked with me. I was in my element. I was able to deepen my yoga practice even further and learn something new. I discovered a part of myself I had never tapped into before, through yoga and meditation.
In one word, I discovered my SENSUALITY.
That was it, simply put. I was so concerned with outward sexuality that I was ignoring my inward sensuality. We are overwhelmed with society telling us what “sexy” is, but the truth is that we are all the keepers of our own sensuality. It can be tamed and unleased as WE see fit. That is the beauty of it.
Once I was ready to take this a step further, I treated myself to a “sensual healing session” with the GREAT Michelle Alva, (Goddess and Healer). I booked a three-hour session in her studio on Key Biscayne. In these three hours, I was as vulnerable as I had ever been in my life. I was undressing in the daylight, the room intoxicating with the burn of incense, roses, and oils. With each piece of clothing removed, I detached from pain, trauma, and inhibitions. Finally, I fully surrendered to the process. Just laying on a bed of rose petals, covered in oils and serenaded with the sounds of singing bowls and chimes, I felt more feminine than ever. We worked on my pelvic floor, where I hold most of my tension. My lower back, my hips, thighs. Parts of my body that I often neglected. She reminded me that what I put out is what I get back. I had to ignite my sensuality.
Some have been taught that there is guilt that comes with sex or that it is “dirty”, this practice helps break those thoughts if those are your blocks. Your sexual energy is craving for a union of any kind, it’s craving for attention. It doesn’t always or EVER need to come from an outside source. You should be able to go into your heart, create a healthy relationship with your own sexuality and with the universe around you.
I worked on being in the moment, I felt bliss and transcended. All of my senses were aroused, and I was a goddess. Many are able to reach the ultimate pleasure during these sessions, with simply the sound, smell, sight, breath, and vibrations. Others are able to stay on this high frequency throughout the process. Everyone will have a different result, I felt like I was riding a wave. Moments were very high and blissful, others were relaxing and effortless. I tapped into my sensual creative force. I illuminated my chakras. One by one, each part of my body felt like it was loved. The experience was amazing and I was whole.
Although it has been a year since this day, I can still recount my sensual awakening minute by minute. Nothing changed in my physical appearance, but how I saw myself evolved.
I was no longer focused on the “idea” of being sexy. The “type of sexy” that I am cannot be found on the pages of magazines. I am fine with that.
Since I had my “Sensual Awakening”, I have encouraged so many people I know to give it a try, especially women my age. I even created a Sensual Awakening Meditation focused on Women, which I offer as one of my Meditation Classes. It is truly a gift to see people have that moment like I did, when their ideas or blocks about their own sexuality are crushed by their heightened SENSUALITY.
As my 40th Birthday is slowly creeping up on me, I believe I am on the exact path I was meant to be on. One of my most beloved quotes is, “BE A FOUNTAIN, NOT A DRAIN”, and sharing this very personal story today is me… being a fountain.
Dee-Dee Kanhai, aka “The Spice of Suburbia”, was a big city girl for 25 years who was transplanted to the Suburbs of Northern New Jersey. This relocation led to her “undoing” and with that, the discovery of her true self. Besides being a wife and mother to a teenage daughter and toy Chihuahua, Dee-Dee works in finance and owns a small Etsy Shop @LoveTheUndoing, where she sells heart-made jewelry, crystals, and other whimsical crafts. Dee-Dee is a student of life, teacher of meditation, practicing yogi and a mystical moon child.