Frozen… and NO, I do not want to build a snowman

Blogger: Joan Poirier – “The Worrier Princess”

Have you ever googled “Signs of a midlife crisis”?  Of course, you haven’t. But I have. I google EVERYTHING.  Sometimes, this is a useful tool. Other times a crippling handicap.  If you read my last blog post, you will know that I may have a small problem with overthinking (understatement?)

See, the thing is, I am FROZEN.  And not in a joyful, sing-song, Disney sort of way. Although sometimes I “get” Elsa…. I too, lock myself up when I am feeling like I will do more harm than good by being around people.  

I find myself stuck in my own head.  In a state of reflection and fear. Reflecting on anything and everything in my life, past and present.  This is not a bad thing in general. I believe you should frequently revisit your past, to remind yourself how far you have come.   How much you have overcome, despite any bad cards you may have been dealt. How many hands you won, even when you were given the right cards, but played them all wrong.  But lately, all I can do is focus on fear. Fear that all the mistakes I have made, will define me. Define my future. Instead of focusing on the positives, I am stuck in a negative, debilitating state.

Sure, I get up.  I have my coffee.  I smile and send my kid to school.  I go to work, manage my schedule, and that of many others.  I pay my bills, cook dinner and do laundry.  Sometimes (though not often lately), I even convince myself that I am A-OK and get out there and smile, socialize, even gasp… LAUGH.  I know that most of this is my depression rearing its beastly, ugly head. I know this. And knowing is half the battle. But I am ignoring the other half, the half that usually tells me to step outside of the box, and DO SOMETHING to drive forward.  Instead, I am firmly planted in PARK.

Why?  I don’t know.  My youngest child will be 14 this year.  My oldest, will be 25. In many ways, I can “see the light” at the end of the tunnel.  They are more independent, I have more freedom. In a few years, my husband and I will have the freedom to up and go wherever we want, whenever we want.  That’s good, right? Maybe. So much of my identity is wrapped up in my children that I am now reflecting on if I have done, and if I am doing…. enough. I had my tubes tied after the birth of my last child… and really… you could not pay me to have another one (Hey, to each his own…).  BUT that being said, I am in the end of that phase of my life, even if I wanted another child, knowing I am past the age to reasonably, feasibly do that… to know that my body is moving into another phase of life, that eliminates that option…Sucks.

I have always embraced getting older.  But lately, I don’t know…I feel as though I am facing my mortality in some ways.  I don’t FEEL healthy. My depression is at one of the worst peaks of my life, and I do not know why.  Part of it, I know, is tied to my estrangement with my mother (again, former blog post where I talk way too much about that).  I finally got up the courage last week to drive to her house and walk up to the door, knowing full well she may slam it in my face and that it could cause me to spiral even farther, but felt that this is the only way to move forward.  But maybe the universe was telling me something as once, she was not home, and the other, I could tell by the car there, that she had company.

I know I am stuck, and I know something must give.  I have been having nightmares for the past few weeks.  Many of them revolving around pregnancy and childbirth.  Only they are not healthy pregnancies. The baby is too small or is born with a malady. Frightening visuals, that have shaken me to my core. I feel as though this is a sign… not anything to do with a child, but a need for “rebirth”.  A need to expel all that is making me feel “unwell”. Yes, I believe in all that hokey dream stuff!

I am desperately in need for change and upward movement.  Yet, knowing and feeling all of this… I have remained…FROZEN.

So, I decided to try a yoga class, which wasn’t horrible, and I will continue.  I went to the doctor that I have been avoiding for over a year, and have in hand my overdue blood work slip, and way overdue mammogram.  I am taking my vitamins, trying to rest, and I am slowly forcing myself to step into forward motion. The battle wages on….and I am a Worrier (oops, I meant WARRIOR!).  Stay tuned…


joanblog

Joan Poirier is an Empath, a goddess, a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend.  She is you, and she is me.  Just a real woman, embracing her age and her wisdom, and not afraid of opening the dam and making some waves during her short time on the wild ride of life. She is on an ever-growing quest to live better, do better, be better and taking all the lumps that go with it.

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