There we were – three single ladies catching up on life, over some tasty adult beverages. Two of my girlfriends, actively dating, began to tell their war stories from the battlefield (their words, not mine). We laughed, we gasped, we howled until my one friend threw a grenade into the conversation by saying: “Let’s be clear ladies, all the good ones are taken”. It was a record scratch moment. The hilarity was silenced; our animated expressions dulled. Then my other girlfriend pulled a standard singleton move, as she validated the statement. I was the obvious odd chick out, so I plunged into my lychee martini, hoping the conversation would change course when I reemerged.
When I went home that night, I couldn’t get that disempowering thought out of my head: “all the good ones are taken”. I tried to dismantle it every which way, and no matter how I stripped it down, it just didn’t sit right with me. That’s when I knew I needed to write this blog and use this platform to dissect and diffuse this limited belief.
Let’s define “good”, shall we?
Instead of judging my girls and thousands of other singletons who have uttered this statement, I chose to get curious about it instead. How exactly are we defining “good”, and why do we feel there is a scarcity of “good” among singletons out there? I decided to give my girls a call and ask. According to my friends, good is associated with a solid moral code, someone who is confident and supportive, kindhearted and compassionate, driven and loyal. Ok, fair enough, however, according to the US Census, 42.5% of the American adult population is single, yet my two friends (and I am sure many others) are making the generalization that millions of single individuals lack these qualities. That’s just crazy town.
As my girlfriends tried to plead their case, I asked them a simple question:
“Are you single?”. They both obnoxiously answered, “yes”.
“Ok, so hear me out then, by saying all the good ones are taken, you’re basically admitting that YOU are not good because YOU, are in fact, not taken. You’re pooling yourselves in this untrue, toxic, distorted belief system, am I right?”.
Both of my friends stuttered when trying to answer and defend their stance on it all. Until they couldn’t any longer, and the ugly truth emerged: Fear.
Many people embrace the idea that “all the good ones are already taken” because it protects them from the possibility of rejection, disappointment, pain or loss that can accompany the quest for love. Some of those who hold this position have a tendency to collect “evidence,” usually from others who share this belief, that affirms their view. My two girlfriends pled guilty to this…all of this.
Listen, I get it, when we’re on this love-seeking journey, our hearts become more exposed and there’s a chance for injury, but what’s the alternative? Holding on to a false truth that leaves us to believe not one singleton out there is good and worthy? How’s that serving us? We’re basically creating a hiding place of sorts, which leaves us blind to the good and they, in turn, are blind to us. When we start to dismantle this belief, we’ll realize that the “good” has always been around us. Right there. Waiting for us to see them.
During my conversation with my girlfriends, another thing that kept tripping me up was this made-up notion: good=taken.
The world isn’t divided between people who are coupled-up, happy and “good”, and people who are single, lame losers. We all know life is infinitely more colorful than that. With that being said, when did we ever start equating “good” to “taken”? Just because one is coupled up, engaged, or married, does not make them superior to those who aren’t. Let’s be honest, we all know assholes who are “taken”, and we know “good” people who aren’t. What I am saying is, a “relationship” status should never determine our worth.
I subscribe to the belief that there is no shortage of qualified, decent, worthwhile eligible partners out there. As I gear up to give love a chance again and put my heart on the line, I would love to see a real call-to-action for change here. A change in how singletons are perceived. A change in how we approach dating. A change in our programming. Which in turn will allow us to create space for the patience, trust, and faith that makes it possible to hang in there and enjoy the ride between now and the time that we get to invalidate this ridiculous belief once and for all.
Here’s to the good ones, I’m coming for ya!
Janis Gaudelli is The Founder of The Daily Feels. She started this passion project to reveal the magic behind storytelling, and how truth-based narratives bring people together in the most heart-warming of ways. Fascinated by soul, depth, intellect, raw truths and rebellion with a cause. Often captivated by the awe of nature: star gazing, moon manifesting, sunset chasing, waves crashing, crickets singing. Fiercely curious about the inner-workings of the human psyche… she professionally studies human behavior for a living. Forever proud and grateful for being a mom to the force that fuels her life: her 8-year-old son, and greatest professor, Kellan.