Do you ever wish that you could go back and respond to something differently? If only you had been a bit more assertive. Or calmer. Or more passionate. Maybe added a larger dash of clever sarcasm. I have. Something that I have put into practice is: the pause. Thereās this beautiful space that exists between a thing and your response. Certain things are nagging and others occur in a moment. The things that show up time and time againā that is where the opportunity presents itself. Real work can take place. Itās here where the reflectiveness in the pause can shine. You can be mindful in the next word or action. Sometimes that pause is on the fly, you wonāt have time to sit with it. You will have to take a breath and then release.
I have a thing that has shown up in an array of situations for a few years now. I have had opportunities to respond. Sometimes I have walked away whispering to myself with a smirk, āOver that.ā I have also found myself moping away disappointed in my reactionā healing- is a messy, messy roller coaster. I have been thoughtful. I have been firm. I have laughed it off. I have been petty. I have ignored it. I have half-way then whole-heartedly agreed with it. I have been seconds away from crying. Practicing the pause can definitely help, but Iām human. And I have feelings. Some days I have all the feelings. Sound familiar? It is on those days when if the thing shows upā, my smile is a little bigger if I can walk away feeling unattached to the opinions projected onto me.Ā I do the pause proud. I make myself proud.
Others wonāt always be gentle with your heart. But you have to be. We have a responsibility to ourselves. People will be people. Some will do harm unintentionally. Most arenāt thinking, āWhat can I say that will really throw her off track today?ā Others, the ones that are closer to you, thatās different. The hope is that there will be awareness, but again, āpeople will people, so you have to protect your heart. The pause can give clarity in the tough moments. We know the trauma attached to certain words or phrases in our lives, the history behind it, the disregard that pierced your happiness. When similar situations arise or certain words reach your ears, ā you are triggered. You may have to deal with a wound over again. And you have to figure out emotional survival techniques in the moment. Itās not easy. I donāt think thereās a cure-all. I just know the importance of pausing and gaining perspective.
My grandma always tells me, āJust breathe.ā Those breaths have reminded me time and time again that I have control over my thoughts and feelings. We canāt control the things that are said to us or done by others, but we can handle the thing in an empowered way. You may have to let the words roll off of your back at times, but itās also ok to have real conversations and reactions. If someone is hurting you, tell them. A deeper understanding of each other can come from talking. Itās also ok if you donāt want to explain yourself. Itās fine to have inward reflection and let it stay there.
We live in a āpost-everythingā, āinstant newsā and āgone viralā world. The pause is important to remember. We can save ourselves and others hurt, discomfort and pain if we just think. A lot of things that we put on others is unnecessary. A lot of words we direct at others are unnecessary. Some questions donāt need to be asked and some opinions donāt need to be expressed every time. We can handle people with care and empathy. We all have things that we are trying to sort through. Be mindful. Also, side note: we donāt have to cancel everyone either. Imagine being canceled at your lowest point. Judged by your biggest mistake and not granted forgiveness. Denied the opportunity to learn and make good. Those are usually the times when we need to be pulled closer not pushed away. We can correct others without being disrespectful or making them feel alone.
In the end, we canāt turn back time and re-do our encounters. But when something familiar rears itself front and center in our day and itās a source of discomfort, just pause. We donāt have to relive the pain, frustration or irritation over and over again in the same ways. We have another chance to be better, to act in a manner that reflects growth and give these uncomfortable things context so that we can continue to heal and move past the thing.
Xo,
Tiffany ReneƩ
Tiffany ReneĆ© is a writer, poet and activist based in New York. She is a free spirit who loves to truly connect with others.Ā She believes that life gives us opportunities toĀ learn and grow dailyĀ if we are open to see the beauty in the expansion. Family time, deep conversation, wine, cooking, music, laughter and travel are a few of her favorite things. Sheās a soulfulĀ dreamer from the Midwest who has always been drawn to the city lights and the possibilities that exist in choosing āmoreā of what allows you to live a life that you love.