Hi, My Loves∼
It seems that 2020 is wrapping up quickly. Thankfully and I know many of you can’t wait for it to be over, but quite frankly, I am afraid of what 2021 will bring. LOL. Hopefully, it can’t be any worse than it has been for many of us this year. But neither here nor there.
While on quarantine conversations have increased. Especially once society started to open up. I found myself needing to reconnect with people and just talk face to face. Well, mask to mask. About anything and everything.
One recurring conversation was about relationships because it has been a hot topic, as some relationships were strengthened and others have fallen apart during this time.
A few months ago, I decided to survey some people because I had some relationship “stuff” percolating that I wanted to write about. As you guys know I have no problem coming on here and putting it out there.
Interestingly, not many responded to the anonymous survey, but many were willing to talk about it in person. These were some of the questions I asked:
- How long have you been with your partner?”
- How often do you have sex?
- Who initiates mostly?
- On a scale of 1-10 what’s the level of passion in the relationship?
- What are your thoughts on open relationships?
- How has quarantine impacted your relationship?
And here’s what I came up with from my very small sample. And yes, I don’t care if it was a small sample, but I’ve had enough conversations with many others that gave me ideas.
I’ve been divorced for a hot minute and have had two serious relationships in the last 10 years.
As I’ve gotten older dating has become increasingly difficult because as we age, we get very set in our ways. If you spend enough time alone, that becomes your “normal.”
It seems that as much as we want “balance” in a relationship. It’s difficult to come by. It’s either all or nothing. It’s either they are all in or playing games. There is always someone in the relationship who wants more, needs more, loves more. And as much as some of you may think that’s a bad thing, I think if you can come to some sort of agreement things can turn out better than you imagine.
But you have to be willing and open to renegotiating the relationship. You can’t expect that your relationship will maintain the level of intensity it had at the beginning throughout years and years.
I told someone “take your relationships as a learning experience” and they were offended. They took it as meaning that they were an experiment or guinea pig and nothing else good came of it but a learning experience. Weird. Like why? If we don’t learn from our relationships how are we supposed to learn about ourselves, how we interact, grow and do better next time around?
At the end of the day, people express love differently in relationships. Relationships ebb and flow.
Yet our society bombards us with this idea that relationships always have to be on this all the time “HIGH” – ALL THE TIME. And quite frankly the mere thought of that exhausts me.
Some people believe that if the level of intensity experienced at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t maintain then it means there is something wrong in the relationships.
In my most recent relationship this was an issue. I am not an overly affectionate person. I never have been. Even with my own kids, it’s just not part of my DNA- to be touchy-feely. But it doesn’t mean my love is any less. It just means I express it differently.
It just means that as I progress through a relationship, I go through different stages. Sometimes I am on an all-time high, sometimes I am sucked into real life – with work, bills, stress, self-questioning, insecurity. Sometimes I want to be babied and coddled. Other times I want complete solitude to regroup and come back stronger.
But always learning and growing. So here are some things I have learned:
- People express love differently
- For some people love is expressed through affection and words of affirmations. For others love is expressed through acts of labor – taking out garbage, fixing things at home. For others its expressed through touch and sex. Everyone’s expression of love is different and it’s ok.
- Any relationship is a bonus to a person’s self-growth and discovery
- And finally, sex is not always going to be amazing, out of this world, star spangled banner, fireworks invoking kind of sex. If you’re having that type of sex all the time, every time, like 4-5 times a week, then you must be an escort, you’re cheating or faking it. Sorry not sorry. I am just saying.
Your goal should be that you are willing to have conversations about needs and find middle ground. Being aware and in tune to your partner’s wants and needs. Finding balance so that neither feels they are putting in more than the other. Sometimes all this works and you have a great streak.
And other times you fall into a rut. You get stuck. You become stagnant. Do something fun and exciting with your partner. Dress up. Dress down. Go on a date night. Stay in. I had someone tell me when her and her partner start feeling stagnant, they role-play, and go out and pretend to meet for the first time. Another friend gives her husband a choice between a “white-innocent” or “black-sexy” night. Whatever it takes to get things moving. Relationships take WORK and EFFORT.
During regular times I know relationships are difficult, but during quarantine I imagine it’s worst. Therefore, effort needs to be increased.
At least if you think it’s worth it anyway.
Thanks for stopping by lovies!
I am a 50-year old Latina divorcee who has been on a spiritual journey for, yikes, a really long time. Though I am not where I want to be, each day I do get closer to who I am meant to me.
I co-raised two young ladies and am a grandmother of two spunky, smart and funny kids – Max and Esme.
Education has been my niche for the last 20 years and I don’t know why. I wish someone had given me a career survey in high school or college to realize that #1- I am NOT a morning person and #2- I don’t really like kids, not even my own. So, I am searching for my passion. Not sure what that is yet. But there are a few things I am exploring, writing being one of them (that’s why I am here).
I have issues with commitment, not so much relationships but committing to my goals, putting in the work and seeing things through. But I did commit to making my 50’s the best decade ever. So far so good. I love yoga, traveling and writing; but mostly wine. Yes! I love wine.