The other day I was having a conversation with my daughter about something. Then, she ran off this long list of things that she sees in me. I jokingly said, “Can you write that down?” Thankfully, for my sentimental heart, she actually did and now I have a forever treasure.
This moment sparked a memory. I wrote her letters at different times throughout my pregnancy. It brought back so many thoughts. I had feelings of fear and was overwhelmed by many things as a pregnant woman and later, as a new mother. To see us now, I can’t do anything but smile and be thankful. It’s been a blessing spending time with her during this pandemic. Remote learning is not easy but being there to experience her in the “classroom” has been unmatched. I have a front row seat at times, witnessing her strengths and challenges. Depending on the day, she’s with me, side by side doing schoolwork as I work from home. To say that I’m proud of her is an understatement. When she so easily spoke of me in such a sweet way, it was like an answer to my prayer. A manifestation of my hopes. If you follow my blog, you know that I’ve been on an intentional personal growth journey for a few years. I am not a people pleaser, but there have been times when I’ve cared too much about what others have said or felt about me. As Phoenyx has grown physically, I have grown into womanhood. Defining and deciding. I’m grateful that my baby sees me for who I strive to be. Below is an excerpt from a project that I’m working on:
Pregnancy made life have more meaning. I remember that day clearly, the day that we found out that this miracle growing inside of me was a girl. A flood of emotions overwhelmed me. My belly cold with the ultrasound gel. My heart warm seeing my baby on the screen in anticipation of ‘the moment’. Then the confirmation came, “You’re having a girl.” Instant tears. I was in conversation with myself- aloud. I found myself in one of those scenarios when you think that you are talking to yourself in your head but the words are actually coming out of your mouth. Clearly, I was working though my feelings.
Thinking of you navigating this tough city, this at times unforgiving world- my immediate instinct of protection kicked into overdrive. At the same time, I envisioned this beautiful, strong girl making decisions and blooming. After all, you are your mother’s daughter and my free spirit has been my guide. I have survived, thrived, and explored many diverse spaces with God’s grace. I have connected with kind, amazing people and been hurt by some who chose not to let loving ways lead.
Through it all, I have stayed on a determined path no matter the circumstance and lived a life on my own terms. My initial fears of raising a girl in this concrete jungle turned into an empowered vision.
This month’s blog is a love letter of gratitude for my daughter. Time is precious and I don’t always get it right. And in life there are no do-overs. But, when I re-read that note from her, it’s motivation to keep going and showing her the best of who I am.
May you have joy, peace and abundant love during this holiday season through it all.
Love & Light.
Tiffany Reneé is a writer, poet, and activist based in New York. She is a free spirit who loves to truly connect with others. She believes that life gives us opportunities to learn and grow daily if we are open to see the beauty in the expansion. Family time, deep conversation, wine, cooking, music, laughter and travel are a few of her favorite things. She’s a soulful dreamer from the Midwest who has always been drawn to the city lights and the possibilities that exist in choosing “more” of what allows you to live a life that you love.